Poker is not a sport

I hate it when poker is showing on the TV when I’m in a restaurant.

I’m not a fan of TVs in general when I’m in a restaurant, but apparently that’s a draw for some people? I want to see a real Gen X pub where the music isn’t any older than 1996 and only loud enough that you can figure out which song is playing, TVs are banned outright, and we get a straight meal without paying $20 for a fucking hamburger.

Oh, right, I hate poker.

To be honest, I also don’t understand poker, but in the same vein, I’ve barely put enough effort into learning it. (True story: my favourite scene in Ocean’s 11 is when Topher Grace lays down his cards and proudly states: “Guys, all red”. Even useless card players can tell it’s a terrible hand.)

But showing it on television? WHY?!

Poker is not a sport. This is my hill, you’ll have to bury me on it. And yet it shows up on sports channels. Meanwhile, it shoves off things with real athletes like cheerleading, figure skating, and gymnastics.

You don’t think a cheerleader is a real athlete? Try holding a 90 lb weight directly over your head while coordinating not only movement but vocal chanting and see how well you handle it. I argue there’s far more impressive shit in a tumble than whether or not someone’s pocketing an ace.

Hell, the Ocho does a better job of showing off-the-wall sports. T-Rex racing? Gimme a six-pack and a bowl of chip and I am in for the afternoon. Corgi racing? Hells yeah. Goodyear Blimp Racing. Jai-Alai (look it up, trust me). And if you’ve never watched the Red Bull Flugtag, you’re missing out on some billiant insanity.

But POKER?!

There’s no athleticism. There’s no endurance. (Well, maybe a diaper so you don’t have to leave when you need to pee.) That’s not a sport.

Which begs the honest question: why is poker on sports channels?

For the same reason that (American) football, baseball, football (soccer), and hockey are the big mainstays: because your average man (it’s usually men) believe they can play it as good or better than the person they’re watching. They believe they relate to it.

Your average man probably can’t even skate well enough to score a goal, let alone handle a triple sow-cow. And yes, I know enough average men. I also know a number of not average men who can score a goal, and while they might not be athletes, they also don’t go around thinking they can play hockey as well as anyone in the NHL.

Poker? Anyone can play poker. Anyone can pick up cards and bluff. Anyone can have a few hundred thousand to lose…

Oh. Wait.

Huh. Maybe poker shouldn’t be on TV.