Mental breakdown

I think I’m having a mental breakdown. And I think I know why.

A few days ago was Pam’s wedding. I wrote a few things that I seriously regret having written. Made sense at the time, but it’s only after I really pissed off a few people in my family that I’d realized what I actually wrote. That did me in.

Stress is killing me. Not (just) stress at work. Stress everywhere. Even from Alex.

Allow me to explain, if I can.

There are things, expectations that I have, of what I have/need to do before I get so involved into a situation that I feel I can no longer do them. I’m still getting to know Alex (and she myself), and I know there are a lot of things that I don’t know yet. One thing I think I know is her level of adventurousness. Namely, I don’t think she’d want to do an extended trip with me.

And I need to do an extended trip.

If you haven’t already guessed, this is all about the Trans Siberian thing. I haven’t asked Alex yet if she’d have a problem with me going. (Amy’s been bugging me incessantly for weeks to do this.) Given the state of our relationship (good, but we’re not married), I could see why she’d have difficulties. Hell, I think I would were I in her shoes.

But I need to.

I need to do this and get it out of my system. I’ve wanted to do a large, long, extended trip to obscure places for … well, almost as long as I can remember. I might have started with the Soviet Union (see [[Behind the Iron Curtain: My Trip to the Soviet Union, Introduction|Behind the Iron Curtain: My Trip to the Soviet Union]], but the urge to keep going is almost overwhelming.

I put myself into this position, and I need to get out of it. I need to talk with Alex. I need to see how strong we are as a couple to handle something like this.

I hope we can.

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