A note to my friends

[Ed. Note: This message was never originally sent out. It first appeared on the web six months after it was written.]

By the time you read this, I will already have done the most horrible thing I’ve ever done in my life. Without warning, I’ve left Allison to go find myself.

Yes, this sounds quite dumb — isn’t the whole “finding one’s self” a tired topic by this day and age? Normally, I’d say yes. But in this case, I beg to differ. I lost myself two years ago in a relationship I’ve never really been happy with. I need to rediscover who I’m meant to be.

For roughly two years, I’ve been in an abusive relationship. This is something that has taken me over two months to understand. I’ve been through a lot of pain and mental anguish. Though Allison never laid a finger on me in anger (save for one incident, where she was in severe pain from illness, and lashed out at the nearest person — me), she was a surgeon with her words. They cut deep and never let me heal. More times than I can remember, she took me down, took me apart, and laid me in utter ruins.

Having been through this so many times, it got to the point where it was normal, and I believed I was happy. This is what psychology refers to as the “cycle of abuse”. It’s one of the most misunderstood issues in psychology, and one of the hardest to treat. Generally, the victim only gets better when they realize that there’s something wrong, and they’re not willing to take it any more. Typically, the victim will leave their abuser.

It’s not a simple case for me, however. Outside of my friends from work, I know no-one else in the Lower Mainland. All of my friends are Allison’s, and as soon as I leave her, they will turn against me. That much is certain. Within hours, my name will be mud in the Lower Mainland.

That is why I’m leaving Vancouver.

Where I’m going is up for debate. Some of you know where I’m going, and for now that is the way it will remain. I’ll open up a little more in the not-too-distant future, but for now I’m keeping low and staying quiet. It’s nothing personal, folks, I just want to be alone for a while.

This is mostly a heads-up. Don’t try to call me in Vancouver — I’m not there. Don’t try to call me at Radical — I quit. Don’t try to find me — you won’t. Don’t worry, though — I’ll be in good hands.

Take care, and I’ll be talking to you soon.